policies of an anti-film reviewer

policies of an anti-film reviewer:

a list of wills and won’ts.

1. I only review what movies I’m interested in.

2. I will spend 70% of the time about my experience in watching the film and spend 30% talking about the actual movie.

3. I am aware that Hollywood and the mainstream entertainment industry has its own issues and I am loathe to go into detail of said issues on my own personal website. (Trying to keep those cortisol levels LOW.)

4. Most films I watch will not meet the ridiculously impossible standard I have set: Be the best thing I have ever seen. 

5. I will eke out some joy from the experience and share that joy with my readers.

6. I will use my AMC Stubs A-List membership to the fullest extent, except for upgrading to a large popcorn because I am trying to stay alive until 100.

7. I will ALSO support local and independent theaters, including, but not limited to: 

1. theatres with confusing calenders

2. theaters whose patrons have difficulty interacting with the general public

3. theaters with cafes that serve artisanal teas and do not accept cash

4. theaters that have limited refreshments, do accept cash, and have impeccable taste in media overall

5. theaters that are convenient for me to go to

1. I’m sorry, I’m not hoofing it all the way to NoHo to see something at midnight, I am tired and cranky. Matinees only

2. If I watch it at home on my projector, that still counts, baby

6. theaters that begrudgingly serve your food to your seat

7. theaters that encourage you to bring your own food

8. If I don’t review the film, either I didn’t see it or I didn’t care about it enough.

9. The following genres of films are prohibited:

1. dudebro comedies

2. horror/slasher with the exception that there is a feminist, absurdist or subversive element, eg; The Ring, Midsommar.

3. Aggressively CGI animated films such as Pixar/Dreamworks or Disney films

4. romantic comedies unless 

1. there’s absolutely NOTHING else to see

2. they’re written and/or directed by a filmmaker whose work and taste I trust.

3. there is a crime/action thriller or choreographed martial arts component

4. it’s real fuckin’ old. like from the 30’s or 40’s. 

5. musicals. Operas screened through AMC do not count. Still too much singing though. 

10. I fully recognize and can distinguish the differences between film, independent film, student film, mainstream movie and summer blockbuster as well as adjust my expectations for each.

11. I understand that I am primarily motivated to watch movies in the theatre as a reason to get dressed, see and be seen, enjoy air conditioning, and eat refreshments in a comfortable and dark room. 

12. The longer the film the better it is. I want to get my money’s worth.

13. IF THERE IS A TIP JAR AT THE CONCESSION STAND I WILL TIP.